Indeterminate

May, 1999
Indeterminate - Indeterminate what? Indeterminate life? Indeterminate hope? Indeterminate joy?

Now I see your face blurry with disease. I hate it, disease and your face, I hate you. You may be guilty. I am definitely guilty. Determinably guilty. But I do not hate me. I love me (but maybe less than yesterday). I feel sorry. I feel violated. I feel afraid, I feel angry. Violent. My fist feels powerful… more than yesterday. Like it could rise up and fall down heavy, shatter your wide cheekbone split your thin skin nullify your sweet smile, feels powerful like it could push all this aside, away. Come crashing down, slam down on a long wood table and be a decision made: NO. Determinably NO. I will not accept it, will not allow it, my blood is clean, and my body will go on.

But I did accept it, allowed everything, knowing the risk, the danger. I allowed what I did not want, what I hated, what hurt me tore me in two, what has been working to tear up my life, my body, since twelve, since rape. And what if it just keeps tearing me, what if I’m positive? Will I end up a thousand pieces, none of them good for anything? And was the whole before you got hold of it good for something? Good for anything though it allowed everything? Even if it was good to say No? No good to fight, or to flee? Good. Now that we’ve asked all the questions, let’s get to the answers. Determine.

June, 1999
I see my own blood and recoil… touch my wrist and want to open it to let go of the knowledge, want to be indeterminate again. Please - but indeterminate meant positive, always meant positive, and how could it have meant positive when your body slipped through me like heroin and when I tried to yell, to hit, I turned to hot stone, to something armless, voiceless, only a body opened wide by old wounds, and newly wounded by your weight?

Wednesday, June 9
A memory - You should have seen it, scary - I went mad. Wanted to kill someone, kill myself, kill every man I saw. I had scary visions - like monsters, but formless, invisible. Hallucinations, night sweat, nightmares… day-mares! I couldn’t take my hands away from my face, my eyes and ears. I couldn’t cover my eyes enough, make it dark enough, and shut out the light. The light scared me; trees scared me, because the feverish scary visions were inside, not out there. I screamed and could not stop screaming for a long time. I was so terrified and ashamed, I could not look at my sisters, and if I did I would scream more, could not stop screaming for a long time. I was so terrified and ashamed, I could not look at my sisters, and if I did I would scream more, not stop, cover my eyes. I went back through all the pain and fear, back through my life and all the trauma, back through all that I’ve been hiding from, and each one of those memories came through me like a storm and tore me up, but worse than they had the first time. All at once. So I couldn’t stop screaming. One fear, one anger, one wound would fade and another loom over me, one by one like dreams but not dreams.

Then I was angry. And disgusted. Even now I have that same feeling sometimes, a rabid hatred, I fell my muscles tense, feel enormous and dangerous, like I could let my heavy steel fist fall, shatter the brittle cheek bones beneath the skin… and then the blood, I see the blood and it frightens me. My blood, too, I feel it beneath my own thin skin - the skin that was not able to protect me from myself - and I want again to let it all out of my wrists. I try to get away from my pulse, try to be sleeping, by working, by forgetting, but the image is with me always, the reminder is present in that little warm place at the base of my hand, where persecuted blood flows on.

July, 1999
To a friend - Now you have to remember that when you tell me your story my story billows up and out around you like blood in the ocean. Only no sharks appear to take away the body, it remains here with me a stale reminder, a friend or foe. Now as I listen to your story I have to learn again from the start to be calm, to put back together the pieces, to heal, to make friends with the memory and with my body, my blood, to love myself as I never have, and finally to listen, really listen to you, because that is my life, and I do not intend to die.

If I could catch a rainbow

If I could catch a rainbow…
I would do it just for you.

And share with you its beauty
Of the days you’re feeling blue.

If I could build a mountain
You could call your very own.

A place to find serenity
A place to be alone.

If I could take your troubles
I would toss them in the sea

But all these things
I’m Finding are impossible for me,

I cannot build a mountain
Or catch a rainbow fair

But let me be what I know best
A friend that’s always there.

The Shame of It All

It was a beautiful warm Friday evening for Kayaking. Despite my fears (and my big butt), I got in a kayak with Tina and set out from Portage Bay into the pinkies of the setting sun. There we were, a bunch of BABES bobbing in boats, proud that not even one of us had chickened out. What can I say? It was total bliss, man. From Kayaking we went to eat burritos, and generally cause a ruckus back near the office. The mood was light and fun, and in my exuberance, I made a promise. A promise, alas, which I did not keep.

So, I am writing today to confess all. Yes, it was I, Victoria Virginia Chipps (yes, my real name) who swore to a dozen witnesses that I would prepare the Puerto Rican dish Arroz con Gandules for our next Thursday support group. Not only did I promise, but I got everyone really excited about the unique, soothing, comfort food flavors of this wonderful food... and then... I forgot. Imagine my embarrassment! Imagine the shame! More importantly, imagine those BABES lined up on that Thursday, ready to chow down that fabulous concoction of salt pork and rice and chicken and... well, I digress. In the 12 Steps they emphasize making amends to those you have harmed. So, here goes: Let it be known that on Thursday, October 14 (hey, I need some time to emotionally prepare myself... and, er, find the recipe) I will prepare Arroz con Gandules for support group lunch. Let’s all hope that the meal lives up to the build-up!

XOX,
Your contrite chef,
Jesse

PS: If any of you out there would like make a dish for group one week, give Deb or Laura a call and let ‘em know!

Get a Job

Sha na na na, Sha na na na na)
6 WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 12:30PM 6 LIGHT LUNCH AT 12:30, THEN WE’LL GET DOWN TO WORK AT 1PM 6 ARRIVE WITH WHAT’S IN YOUR HEAD; LEAVE WITH A COMPLETED RESUME

It happens to all of us. You see a job announcement in the BABES newsletter, or on a bulletin board somewhere and think, “I could do that.” But, when you sit down to write a resume or fill out the application, you feel stuck. Maybe you don’t even get to the sitting-down-to-do-it stage, because you’re afraid you won’t have anything to write down? You think about the usual application questions – about work history and formal education -- and in no time, your self-esteem has sunk to new lows.

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY!!!!! There are three keys in writing resumes: Realizing that you are a valuable person with important, special skills to share, naming those skills and qualities, and knowing how to write them down in a way that emphasizes your best qualities.

At this event, we will work together to list your strengths and skills – we’ll make an honest and exciting assessment of why YOU are the candidate that employers should be begging for – and then we’ll work with you to put those skills into a resume using Microsoft Publisher. When you leave, you’ll have a beautiful and exciting resume that emphasizes your best qualities.

So, come on down! If you have a specific job in mind, bring a job announcement or application, so we can focus your resume towards what that employer is looking for. See you there!

The BABES Network is happy to announce a new job opening:

Women’s Peer Treatment Advocate
Hours: 10 to 30 per week (Depends on whether 1 or more people are hired)
Pay: $11.06 to $12.80 (Depends on experience and skills)
Area: Washington State (Need not live in King County to apply)
Closes: September 30, 1999 (Thursday)

Description: Working with BABES and Seattle Treatment Education Project (STEP), the Peer Treatment Advocate will provide treatment information to positive women through group presentations, one-on-one sessions, phone calls, and newsletter articles.

What we are looking for: Are you an energetic person who is interested in learning more about HIV treatment, and sharing what you know with others? Are you the kind of person who always has new questions for your provider? Can you use your personal experience without being limited by it? Can you present ideas, research and treatment information fairly and evenly? Do you like to take the technical goblety-goop that comes from articles and researchers and break it down into plain English so that we can all get it? Are you someone who is willing to say, “I don’t know?” Do you want to help HIV+ women empower themselves through information? If so, you may be the person we are looking for!

Specific Duties Include: · Researching and writing the BABES Perspective treatment articles. · Preparing and making presentations on current treatment issues to positive women and families across the state. · Talking to women and families individually about treatment information, treatment adherence and self- advocacy. · Facilitating telephone conference calls on HIV treatment issues. · Keeping up-to-date on HIV treatment information. · Helping women to find the information they need.

Skills that would be helpful in this job: Do you have some of these skills? Don’t be intimidated if you don’t have them all! - Experience of HIV treatment and treatment adherence issues as a consumer. - Can write well, taking complex information and making it understandable. - Can make presentations to small or large groups of people; is comfortable speaking in public. - Experience with a diverse range of women and families, and making connections with each. - Understands confidentiality issues and maintains confidentiality. - Willing to travel. - Can effectively work independently. - Can present information accurately and without bias. - Is reliable and dependable. - Is a licensed driver with a good driving record and a reliable, insured car. - Has a good basic knowledge of HIV disease. - If you have the ability to write and/or do presentations in Spanish, it’s a plus.

To Apply: Send a resume and the names and phone numbers of three references* to:
The BABES Network
1001 Broadway, Suite 100
Seattle, WA 98122

*Don’t have a resume? Attend the “Get a Job” class at BABES on September 15

Thanks...

BABES would like to extend heartfelt thanks to The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence for including us in the 1999 Cake Walk!

The spectacular event occurred on Sunday, July 25th at the Oddfellows Hall and it celebrated the 3rd anniversary of the Abbey of St. Joan. The 99-2000 recipients of the “Sisters Charity Fund” were announced and the grants to the 98-99 recipients were awarded. Lots of fun (and cake) were had by all at the Saintly cake decorating contest, cake raffle and of course, the Cake Walk.

The Sisters Charity Fund helps support AIDS and human right organizations. This fund is designed to help smaller organizations that are having to fight for funding in the shadows of larger organizations. The Sisters Charity Fund Selects local charities for a one year period. These 4 charities receive a grant from the Charity fund at the end of the year in which they were selected at the Anniversary celebration of the ABBEY in July of each year.

Babes sincerely appreciates becoming a beneficiary of the Charity Fund!

For more information about the Sisters, see their web site at www.theabbey.org, or call the “nun line” @ 206-860-3666.

Friends for Life Society and Country Doctor Community Health Centers presents:

Stretch and Relax

This class will be held Tuesdays, September 21 - November 16, 6:00 p.m. - 7:30 p.m. at Miller Community Center, 330 19th Ave E. Call Nancy at 206-461-8332, fax 206-374-6330 or e-mail programs@friends-for-life.org for questions. This class is available to all with life-challenging illnesses, as well as to family, friends and caregivers. There is no charge. Pre-registration is not required.

Great for enhancing whatever level of health you have! This class is designed for people who want to use stretching, breathing and other techniques to relieve stress, boost energy and improve their sense of well being. Stretch & Relax uses low impact movements to get into gentle postures. This allows for focused relaxation and breathing to bring calm to the mind & body. One hour of the class will be spent on relaxation and stretching to music. One half-hour will be available at the end of the class for socializing with each other and various healthcare professionals.

Wellness Through Chair-Robics

This class will be held Fridays, September 24 - November 19, 10:30 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., also at Miller Community Center (same information as above). This class is designed for people who want to exercise but may find starting an exercise program challenging.

This musical class will be focused for people with low to moderate physical ability. Chair-robics is an exciting twist to exercise, using sitting in chairs to begin exercising and building strength.

This class will begin with stretching and warm up, followed by chair-robics. The class will focus on breathing, relaxing, and cooling down. Both classes will be taught by Terra Bernstein, a Skinner Releasing instructor and yoga teacher. She has taught adults and children for the past 10 years in both Seattle and New York and is interested in using movement to tap into personal insights and histories.

Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is an illness that is frustrating to both patients and physicians as it is very difficult to treat. Aches and pains all over as well as trouble sleeping are a routine part of life for those with fibromyalgia. It is a disorder of brain chemicals characterized by chronic muscle pain, stiffness, fatigue, and lack of estorative sleep. Many symptoms can be associated with it, including irritable bowel, urinary urgency, and headaches. It is also referred to as the fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS), because it is in fact a collection of symptoms without a known cause.

Fibromyalgia is one of the most common rheumatic conditions in medicine, affecting about 2 to 4 percent of the general population. Women in the 20-50 age group are the most likely to experience symptoms, which include fatigue along with aches and pains (in tender points, near a muscle’s attachment to bone) scattered throughout the body. Both soft tissues and muscles can ache. Fibromyalgia is not progressive, it is not life-threatening, but it is as yet incurable. However, with proper care, it can be managed, although about one-third of the people with fibromyalgia are partially or totally disabled.

Conventional treatment for fibromyalgia consists of low doses of a tricyclic antidepressant or serotonin reuptake inhibitors, which serve to increase the availability of serotonin; the institution of habits that improve sleep; proper nutrition; and daily aerobic exercise. The need for exercise is a significant issue for most people with fibromyalgia; muscle pain may increase after exercise, and repetitive motions of any sort make most fibromyalgics hurt more. But most experts agree that exercise is the single most important factor in a fibromyalgic’s well-being. It need not be strenuous: Riding a stationary bicycle and walking are the two most often recommended forms of exercise. People with fibromyalgia may have to start with two or three minutes of exercise and work up from there a minute at a time, but without exercise FMS can indeed seem to be a progressive disorder, as unused muscles stiffen and atrophy, causing more pain and muscle damage. However, there are also some nutritional therapies that can be beneficial.

Dietary suggestions:

Maintain moderate eating habits with a good balance of protein, fat, and cabohydrate. Most of your carbohydrates should come from complex sources such as whole grains, soy, and other legumes. Include a few servings of a variety of fruits and vegetables each day. Eat fish at least once or twice a week. Reduce your intake of fried foods, fast foods, margarine, and baked goods.

Supplement suggestions:

Many patients improve when they start a supplement program that includes:

• Fish oil supplements taken with breakfast totaling 2-4 g of the omega-3 fatty acids EPA and DHA. Vegetarians can substitute a teaspoon or two of flaxseed oil each morning. Omega-3 oils help reduce inflammation.
  
  
• A basic multivitamin supplement added along with additional antioxidants such as 100 to 500 mg of vitamin C and 200 to 100 IU of vitamin E.
  
  
• A B-complex vitamin that has two to five times the RDA for the B-vitamins, although some patients may benefit from higher dosages.
  
  
• Methyl donors such as dimethylglycine or trimethylglycine can sometimes help. The dose would be 50 to 100 mg in the morning.
  
  
• · For those whose symptoms are associated with depression, the herb St. John’s wort taken in 300-mg doses each morning could be helpful.
  
  
• Since difficulty sleeping is also associated with fibromyalgia, establishing a routine is important. Going to bed and waking up at the same time every day is a good idea. Some patients may have lower levels of melatonin secretion at night. Melatonin two or three nights a week in a dosage of 0.3 to 1 mg an hour before bed can help. Alternatively, 5-HTP (5-hydroxytryptophan) at a dosage of 25-50 mg two or three times a week on an empty stomach an hour before bed is also helpful.