Requiem for a Catholic

Bless me , Father, for I have sinned. I was a nurse, but I just didn't know... So, here I am, on my knees, saying this prayer, and wondering, "Why, oh why am I here?"

As we look forward to St. Patrick's Day, here is a public confession from a part-Irish Catholic, lamenting for what was and what was lost...

Married to my high school sweetheart (the boy who used to do most of my math homework), I thought of my life as perfect. We had just had our sixth child, and in my conservative Catholic mind, all seemed right with the world. Only...my health was deteriorating. Every month I had a yeast infection, even when I didn't eat bags of M&M's. Then there were the "itis's" --- bronchitis... mastitis...sinusitis. I was becoming the "itis" queen, but why? Additionally, enlarged lymph nodes appeared in my neck (which every prescribed antibiotic failed to diminish).

Concerning the fatigue, I was told, "You've got six kids; what do you expect? That's why you are so tired." But, I knew something was wrong.

So, I went to my doctor and requested the lab results that were taken two months after my last child was born. The complete blood count looked normal. No red flag there. I sighed and thought , "Well, then it's probably not leukemia."

After the repeated courses of antibiotics failed to do anything except ensure that my yeast infections never fully went away, I had a biopsy of one of my neck lymph nodes for Hodgkin's disease. But, they found no suspicious cells and told me over the phone that my lab tests were excellent, especially my exceptionally low cholesterol. A malingerer? After consulting three doctors, I still felt awful.

The final straw occurred when I had to leave my job one Sunday because my weak body almost passed out. As a nurse on a medical-surgical floor, I had to work long hours on my feet. That day, I could not handle it, and my supervisor had to call in another nurse. I went home and acted like a person suffering from acute mania and fatigue simultaneously! My body felt on fire but was dead weight!

Finally, after reading about every illness known to mankind, I suggested to my conservative doctor that he should administer an HIV test to me. He stated quietly, "You're low risk for HIV." Emphatically, I replied, "Yes, but I am a nurse, and I am not sleeping at night worrying about it, so just to rule it out, please give an HIV test." Right there in the room, he stated into his Dictaphone that because of my "health-care-worker status," he would give me an HIV test, but he felt that I was probably suffering from depression.

And I did become severely depressed two weeks later when he told me, "Afraid so," when I asked about the test results. This was after the office had been cleared of all patients and neither the receptionist nor the nurse would meet me eyes. The nurse hurriedly took by blood pressure, and it was 140 over something, when it was usually 90 over 60.

I wanted to leap out the window when he told me. I thought HIV meant an ugly, grim death. I was trembling so hard that the technician could barely do the chest x-ray. I did have bronchitis, and the antibiotic did work this time. But I was a nurse, and I did not know. In my tight little conservative existence, I knew so very little of the world. And for my penance, I take the daily medications, write articles like this, and take care of my infected daughter and husband. But bless me, Father, and bless us all, for we didn't really sin; we just tried to live.

-BABE

MEDITATION FOR WOMEN

When I try to think about what is most important to me and what gives meaning to my life, it helps to sit still and be quiet for a long time. Especially if I'm worried or have a problem, I have to listen very hard to be sure I am hearing my own true answers. I hear so many other voices: voices from the media, voices from the past or from the culture, from my religious training, from my parents or siblings. They all have ideas about what is important for me. Sometimes they say it's important to look good, to be good, to act nice. And they often say that means being better than someone else. "You don't have enough; try harder" is another of their messages. Not enough money, not enough time, not enough energy, not enough love. These voices also want me to stay very busy and take care of other people, especially them. If I'm not doing something for others, they want me to feel guilty. They say it's important to please God, whoever that is, or they may say that God is judging me. Some of the voices remind me that it is very important to be successful, whatever that means. Sometimes they all talk at once, and I become totally confused: "Hurry up!" "Slow down!" "What about the future?" "What about the past?" "Get it right!" "Don't cry." "You're too old." "You're not old enough." "Don't make a fuss." "Don't be angry."

But, when I am quiet and still, and when I take enough time to listen carefully to my own heart, the voices sound different. I hear soft, gentle, small voices that say it's good enough just to "be me." If I relax , breathe deeply, then listen, sometimes I hear strong, confident, kind voices that say I am okay just the way I am and that I will always have everything I need. They say that God is a loving Mother or Father who is a part of me and will never leave me. They say it is okay for me to feel angry, or sick, or tired, or sad. Sometimes a sweet voice reminds me that I've done my best, or that my unique ways and gifts are important and fine. This voice says that today is all that matters; tomorrow and yesterday will take care of themselves. These tender voices say, "You'll make it through; just take your time," and sometimes they murmur, "Share what you have. It is enough, Give of your love to others." They sound like the voices of my best women friends at their most understanding; they sound like a lover who shelters and appreciates me. They sound like the warm sun, and the peaceful moon, like the soft wind in the trees. Oh please, may I find and take the time for silence. May I be still and breathe deeply. When I question the meaning and purpose of my life, may I be quiet and listen within. Then let me hear the clear voices from deep in my heart and believe and trust in their truth for me always.

by MAPS Careteam Consultant

Soup to Nuts

Chicken Soup Brigade's nutritionists gave a most helpful and informational presentation to our Thursday lunch group. Discussing everything from Adeka High Potency multivitamin supplements to their appetizing prepared meals, they piqued everyone's appetite for healthy alternatives to the foods that some of us can no longer eat without gastrointestinal revolt.

Some of the products shared:

*Soy Tempeh (like hamburger) for use in stir frys, etc.
*Seitan ( a chicken-style white meat) for use in sauces, stir frys, soups, etc.
*Yves Veggie Cuisine---a veggie ground round that's 100% vegetable protein
*Non-dairy cheese (available at QFC)

Additional Brigade tips:

Five things you can do to boost your nutrition :
*Drink 10 cups of water or juice every day
*Eat a serving of fruit and a serving of vegetable each day
*Eat three times a day, at least
*Take a multivitamin each day
*Go for a walk or do some kind of exercise each day

Treatment for diarrhea:

*Avoid all dairy products, such as milk, cheese, butter, sour cream
*Avoid greasy, high fat food, such as fried food, oils, margarine, and salad dressings
*Avoid high fiber food, such as bran, whole grains, nuts, seeds, fresh fruit, and vegetables with skin
*Eat more white, starchy food, such as oatmeal, potatoes (no skin), white rice, bananas, canned fruit, and the following cooked vegetables: beets, carrots, green or wax beans, spinach, any squash, and yams.
If diarrhea is frequent, try the following Congee recipe at least two times per day:

Congee:
1 cup white rice, 6 cups water, 1 teaspoon salt.
Cook until soft for about 40 minutes. Let sit for 15 minutes to thicken.
This will be a watery, eat and drink mixture.

Blender Recipes:

Banana Yogurt Shake:
1/2 cup plain yogurt, 1 tsp. orange juice concentrate, 1-1/2 tsp. sugar (optional), 1 banana, 1/2 cup whole milk. Mix in blender until smooth. 236 calories, 7 grams protein.

Vanilla Fruit Shake:
1 nutrition supplement (such as Ensure), 1/2 cup ice cream, 1/2 cup fresh or canned fruit. Mix in blender until smooth. 550 calories, 15 grams protein.

Who is eligible for Chicken Soup Brigade's services?
To find out more about their home delivery of fresh meals and groceries, home chore help, and transportation, call 206-328-8979 or write:
Chicken Soup Brigade, 1002 East Seneca, Seattle, Wa. 98122.