In This Issue:

Dating, Disclosure and Sex
Dating ANyone?
Will I have Love if I say No?
AIDS Walk
Feedback
Book Review
September Events
Calendar

Dating, Disclosure and Sex
by Benjamine Ryan

Disclosure: It's the big purple elephant hanging over the restaurant table at any HIV+ person's first date. Indeed, one of the biggest challenges for someone with HIV is letting other people know about it, especially potential love interests. Many fear that announcing their status might scare the other person away, so they aren't sure how or when to bring it up.

Making the announcement while the two of you are hot and heavy is probably not a good idea: you want to be able to give the matter time, not to mention your full attention. And telling a partner you are positive after you have become sexually active may leave them feeling betrayed and hurt: the trust between you could be compromised.

If you are unsure about how your date will react, you might want to bring up the subject generally at first and see what they say. For instance, you can start talking about the high prevalence of HIV and ask if your date has ever gone out with anyone who is infected - or if they ever would. Keep in mind thought, that even if they say they'd never date someone with HIV, it doesn't mean that when actually confronted with the matter that they would feel the same.

One way to frame your disclosure is to tell your partner that you want them to know you are HIV+ because you care about them and their safety. If you take anti-HIV medications, you can simply take your pills in front of your date. Perhaps they will in turn pull out their own drugs and the two of you can compare regimens. Otherwise, this method can provide a basis for the discussion.]

If your partner does not scared and pull away, try to give them a chance. They may turn around once they've had a chance to think about it. But if they do flat out reject you - they don't deserve you! Find someone else who can love the whole of you, HIV and all.

If your partner is negative, you will want to discuss ways to keep them that way, while still having satisfying sex. For instance, you'll want to talk about the potential risk of transmission from oral sex and about the possibility that a condom could break. Be prepared to educate your partner about living with HIV - how the virus is transmitted and how it affects your life. Find some safer sex literature that provides information to help the two of you have this important discussion.

Two positive partners may also want to have safe sex to avoid the possibility of reinfection (superinfection) - which is when one partner infects the other with a new, possibly worse, strain of the virus. Safe sex can also prevent the transmission of other sexually transmitted diseases.

If all goes well, these sometimes challenging hurdles can help you build a solid foundation of trust and understanding with your partner - which can lead to greater intimacy and a more satisfying sex life. You may want to revisit the subject periodically to make sure you are both still comfortable with the steps you have taken to protect each other's health and well being.

Benjamin Ryan is a contributing writer for POZ magazine and a former HIV test counselor at Columbia University.
Reprinted courtesy of www.PositiveWords.com
©2002 by Dallabrida & Associates

Dating Anyone?

Have you recently started a new relationship or have been in a long-term relationship, but your partner doesn't know your HIV status? Maybe, you do not know your partner's status. Well, you are not alone. Many women find themselves stuck between a rock and a hard place. They struggle with the decision to disclose or insist that their partner be tested.

Dating is just one of life's little pleasures. Long ago when I dated, my heart would flutter and race with excitement and the thrill of the unknown. I felt light as a feather and I bubbled with anticipation of the next encounter with the person I was dating. We would chat on the phone for a while then we would say our good-bye. As soon as I hung up the phone, I couldn't wait to speak with him again. I felt like a teenager.

My boyfriend and I became closer and closer. Once, I became angry with him and told him to go get an AIDS test. I remember that day like it was yesterday. And, he did not get tested. LITTLE DID I KNOW! Eventually, we wanted to get married and we did. What comes after marriage? Well, a baby of course! I've told this story before. I found out that I was HIV+ when I was 3 months pregnant. It was to late to turn back the clock. Fortunately for us, our sone is HIV-.

My question to you is, why not know now? Before the word love comes into the picture. If you are comfortable with the person you are with, what is holding you back? Disclosing is terrifying, but I feel that my health is more important than not telling. Keeping an HIV+ status a secret can cause more damage if the couple is not using protection. Re-infection can occur. If you never discuss HIV to the person you are dating, how do you know whether or not he/she is also HIV+?

Well, it is a lot to consider. In the end, the decision is yours. Just don't be afraid to date because you are HIV+. Sure there is a risk of rejection, but that risk is there regarless of your status.

I hope to get feedback about this topic. If you are in a situation where you have not disclosed, want to disclose or have disclosed please write about your feelings and send your article to BABES. Your story might help someone in a similar situation.

Regards, Danita